It’s Day 0, Ryu. How many times I’ve dreamt of this moment. I know how excited you would have been. I miss your laugh—it’s been so long since I’ve seen you laugh. I even miss that uncomfortable laughter of yours; I loved how it happened when you were caught off guard.
Lately, waking up at 5 a.m. has become a habit. And every time, my first thought is that you’re not here in my life anymore. What follows is a replay of all the memories we shared, over and over again. It’s funny because waking up this early was impossible for me before. Sometimes, I wonder if you’re thinking of me too—if that’s why I wake up like this. But then reality hits me. You don’t miss me the way you used to, you don’t talk to me the way you did. And yet, I hold on to how crazy we were together. Mornings started with you, and nights always ended with you.
Today, as we were preparing to leave, I tried to keep myself busy. I hit the gym for a good strength workout, showered, had breakfast, and checked on work since I’m on prod support this week. Then came packing. Believe it or not, I did my own packing this time—well, mostly. Mom helped a bit. I can almost hear you teasing me about it, expecting my mom did everything.
By now, if you were here, you’d have called me a dozen times to check if I was on time. Your anxiety wouldn’t let me be lazy, and I secretly loved how much you cared about every little detail. With you, everything felt easier, lighter. I never had to worry about a thing when you were around.
Mansi and Priyanka had already packed last night, and they were getting ready. I couldn’t help but imagine how much you’d get along with them if you were here. I would’ve been left out in the chaos of your conversations, but I’d still love every second of it. Do you remember the Pondicherry and NE trips? You were so furious when I was late. Especially in Pondicherry—I’ll never forget that look of disappointment on your face. I know you thought, What kind of guy is this? No sense of responsibility or punctuality.
But believe me, every cell in my body wanted to be with you. That time, I had so much work because of GA4, but I would’ve run to you if I had to. I still regret not being there on time. All I wanted was to hug you tight and say, I’m here now. Let’s just have fun. I’d have given up anything to see you smile that day. And today, if we were still the way we used to be, you’d be proud of me—I was on time this time.
Oh, and my watch stopped working two months ago. I didn’t bother fixing it because every time I thought about getting it replaced, all I could think of was holding your face and kissing your forehead instead. You remember how I lost my favorite watch of 12 years? I haven’t liked any since, except one from the G-Shock series. I thought I’d buy it at the airport, but time was tight, and I had to board.
SriLankan Airlines wasn’t bad, by the way—better seats, better space. I sat by the window, and suddenly, I remembered our Pondicherry flight. How wild we were back then. How lost we were in each other. When we were together, the world didn’t matter. It was just you and me. I loved that about us.
It’s halfway to Sri Lanka now, and I find myself turning to the music videos and shayaris you sent me. I saved them for moments like this, when we’re not talking the way we used to. Listening to them now feels like holding onto a piece of you.
I could imagine you sitting next to me now, holding my hand, your head resting on my shoulder. Heaven. I’d have stayed still for hours, just watching you sleep like a baby, afraid to disturb you. I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance again. But if I could, I’d freeze that moment forever.
And just like that, I find myself lost in memories of you again. Even with the 7-hour layover, I can’t stop thinking about how perfect it would’ve been with you by my side.
When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.
Ansel